Been trying, but just can’t get to sleep.

Thinking too much about the farm, and how we’ll make it happen. Got turned down by the bank, and the bank that holds the house lowered the price even more. Of course, it’s a sign they’re a little anxious to be rid of the place, and our realtor says that’s not a bad thing, but a good thing. But that means we’re back to square one again.

Waiting on a good friend who has a friend that might be able to help us with a personal loan. It’s times like this that I know how close and good my bluegrass friends are. It’s funny, how close you become to total strangers over the beat of “Foggy Mountain Breakdown” and “Rocky Top”. Really super people. Musicians are super cool.

I think it’s the waiting, really, that seems to be the worse part. Seems like it was forever since we drove out there and saw the place and fell in love. Really, it’s only been 3 weeks, but it seems like forever. Every night I see the place, all beautiful and cleaned up, passing through the seasons, it’s like it’s haunting me.

I know that a lot of my need, my desperation, is for my youngest daughter, Maggie. We’re coming into a very hard time for Maggie. She’s becoming a young lady, an adult. And she’s painfully aware of how she’s different. How’s she’s just not quite in the middle of the bell curve. Her austism is just enough that she’s going to really struggle. I know this so painfully well. We had a little social mishap, really not a big deal and I won’t go into the details, but it brought out such painful shame on her part, and just tore my heart up to pieces. The mishap was only the teeny little tip of the iceburg looming beneath her fragile surface. We were running errands and ended up crying ourselves out nearly, trying to get her to talk and articulate her feelings. She feels “stupid” and “useless” and she says she’s not a people person and that she has no purpose. It just tore me up to hear her talk that way.

No one talks about Maggie going to college. No one asks her about what kind of job she’s going to have. No one asks about friends or how she’s doing in school. It’s like everyone has already sort of written her off. It’s terrible sometimes to stand back and suddenly realize this, and see the hurt on her face when she gets very upset over not being able to do something, like some math skills, or spelling issues. She just withdraws and won’t meet your eyes. There’s tons written about autism in little and young children. But not much for the young adults and adults. It’s hard to know what to do and what to tell her. Very hard.

She needs this farm more than any of us. She is SO good with animals and routine. She loves to fix things and create things, she so wants a workshop space and I know she’ll make some of the most delightfully Maggie things around. She has been reading all my homesteading books and asks me questions all the time about chickens and eggs and ponies and goats and fences and tractors and all that. We look stuff up online, we read about it, and we talk about it.

Unfortunately, the moby doesn’t give her much room to be challenged anymore. We’re done fixing it up for the most part. We have all our gardens in place, and especially now, in the middle of winter, heck, it only take 10 minutes to shovel out the sidewalk. Chores inside only take up a half hour at best to keep this small space all tidy and clean. People don’t talk about how living in a small space and keeping your expenses down, can give you a TON of leisure time. It’s almost too much time.

Well, I know that even if this dream farm doesn’t happen, or someone buys it from under us, there are others. And we will keep at it. May take us another year, and soon enough, it will be spring and we can do a super crazy garden this year. I think we’ll try and take all the clutter from our shed, and try hard to make Maggie a workshop space. Get her building something, anything. I need to help her to find things she’s great at and then encourage her like only a Mom can. We’ve started a little business idea, because I know that bothers her very much, the only one in the Moby without a business! It’s going to combine her drawings (which are awesome) and her ability to work with graphic programs on the computer and primitive arts and crafts! (Can’t spill the beans, but I hope that we can get it worked out soon enough and it’s a pretty keen idea…)

Still, I wish I could help her other issues, the social problems, the whole “not fitting in” to the big bad world. I finally this summer gave in and let her go on bike rides on her own around our area. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We’ve had a few issues with it, but we’ve finally got good ground rules and she seems to be doing fine with it. I know that I have to give her these little bits of room… but it’s so hard. Autistics have their own way of looking at things, and doing things and sometimes it’s just not easy for them to understand social cues and things out there. It’s so easy for people to not understand and laugh and tease. People can be so cruel, we all know that.

I ordered two books off eBay tonight… both by Temple Grandin. She’s one adult with autism that writes and talks about it, so that we can understand. She’s a brilliant woman and is one of the leading animal rights enthusiasts. Some of the things I’ve read about her, remind me of my own daughter. I think it might be time for Maggie to read these books, or for us to read them together. I want her to see that she’s special for a reason, not a mistake. I want a safe place for her to live and explore and do for herself. A place that will nurture all that is so special in her. A homeplace that give her the time to grow up and love her life and all that it is to be Maggie.

Guess that’s why I can’t sleep. The what-ifs and waiting is just killing me.