I can’t help it.

Every so often I get those feelings again.

Those, I want to live in the woods and super simple and just live feelings. With a garden, and big simple open living space, with woods around me and big full pantry of whole simple foods and just live. Simple. Without all the stuff that seems to be cluttering up life.

I think it happens when I start to feel like all I do is work to sustain all the stuff in my life. Even down to utilities and internet and fixing cars and fixing homes and buying all the stuff that makes up life. The stuff you get used to having around and then you have to keep buying, because, you’re used to having it around.

Maybe I’m not making much sense, but then, well, I dunno, maybe I am.

I read about people who just ditch everything, leave behind maybe a little storage unit of super personal things, or maybe leave a dozen boxes in a friend’s basement and then hit the road in a van or maybe a little trailer, and live free. Free to just eat snacks for dinner or to bum food off friends as they travel around and visit. Just take them where the wind blows them. FInd internet hot spots here and there in the world. Park in Wal-Mart parking lots or stealth park behind truck stops or in alleys. Free to just take naps when they want to, or to wander the back roads and just explore.

I would love to do that but I’m too afraid to even try it. I mean, what about my girls? Take them with me? What about the pets and the garden? What about work? It just seems that you can’t really live in both worlds very well. You either have to take the plunge or not… there is no in between. At least as I see it.

But still, I plot and plan, and I feed though feelings through all the blogs that I read… I live vicariously through these kind souls on their journey. Like the gypsy artists in an old horse van in the UK, or the crazy hippy kids in their VW bus wandering about. Even the couple that just gave it all up and got a nice little RV and just travel around. Shesh, I would love that. I think I would.

But I would hate to give up my gardens and my little moby… and not to mention my band and the commitments of that, as well as my involvement in the Opry, and other things, like I can’t see taking my girls away from their Dad and friends for long periods of time. And of course, there is the expense as well, driving around aimlessly is kind of expensive and I doubt that I could carry both a vagabond spirit as well as a stable homestead.

So. Where does that leave me?

I don’t know.

If I try to make my business more successful, as to create more income, to then allow me to wander, that seems to be a problem, because then I have more work to do, and thus can’t leave to wander!

If I cut back on my expenses and live super meagerly in my moby life, then maybe I could save up enough to be able to wander here and there for part of the time, and then come back to moby life and stash up a little more cash… kind of rotate through the two lifestyles.

And what if I don’t like it, this gypsy lifestyle? Then what?

Sigh.

I hate when those feelings come along.

Well, I think that after all day of pondering this whole situation, again and again… the fact remains that at this point of my life, I can’t just ditch it all. And I don’t want to. I can recognize that I’m at the 2 year point of living in my Moby and to be honest, in the last 20+ years of my life, every 2 years seems to either mean moving or changing something drastic in my life. At least the last 10 years have been true to that. So I want to ride out the itch and stay put. At least a couple more years.

And I do want to keep striving for a simpler and simpler lifestyle. Green, sure, but mostly simple and content. Keep thinning down possessions so that I am the person in charge of my possessions, not the other way around. I have a few more plans… I want to get personal things cut back. Just go through all my collections of this and that, and whittle it down to what I really need, love and want.

I spent a day last week going through my books. Really weeding them out. I am not a big re-reader of books. Never have been. Yet I will read a book, find it fairly entertaining and then think I must now forever keep it near and dear to me. No… I’m changing my mind about that. I’ll write a big post about my feelings on books and such soon, but basically, I think you need to keep a decent library of how to books, because if for some reason you lose electricity or the internet, you’ll need to know how to do things. Grow things, make things, preserve things, cook things. Reference books are a good thing. And a few of your very favorite reading books, yes, those are important. And of course, a few that are gifts, or that have some special meaning, yes, those get kept. But just all these one time fluffy reads, they need to go. I got all my books down to a nice cabinet with glass doors to keep them safe and not all dusty and all. (Added savings of no extra housework!) And I feel super good about it. I really do.

Next stop is my crafts and then all my audio/media junk and lastly, the kitchen and it’s trove of stuff that I hardly ever use. I’m going to be brutal. If it’s not being used or cherished for some reason, it’s going to be boxed and labeled and taken to the storage unit with a date on it. If it doesn’t get recalled and opened within a year, it’s going away for good. I’ll pretend that I’m going to become a gypsy soon, and that I’m starting the procedure of limited and scaling down my “stuff” and that will feel good. Maybe even start to make some of those “feelings” calm down a bit.

And I’ll work hard to get my finances back in order. The last month has been a doozy on me and wrecked most of my pantry stash and my cash stash. It’s starting to rebound a teeny bit, and that has lifted a bit of my stress of late, but still, it’s not where we were two months ago. Some hard work, continued tight budgeting and a few extra jobs on the side, I think I can build the “kitty” back up and feel a little more content. If anything, it’s shown me that even my nice content life can get shaken up a bit without toooo much to get it shaking. That’s scary. I want to fix that.

I think these steps will help a bit, and in the meanwhile, I think I’m going to try and start planning a few little trips… like packup the girls and the dogs and head out for a few days and just wander a bit. See how we like it. We can use hotels instead of our camper, if we stay cheap, it’s probably about the same cost as dragging a big old trailer around in gas! I’ve seen $35 at Red Roof Inns, that’s not too bad for a bed and hot shower. Sure we have a tent, but after a day of traveling and wandering, and a campsite that will cost you $20 and then having to set it all up and tear it all down, I think a little cheapo hotel is EASY. (at least for now!) The point will be, can we actually do it? Can we actually just say, we’re going to be gone for 4 days and we’re just heading that way, and just go. Without hyper planning and all that “vacation” stuff. Can we just cut loose and wander? I don’t know. I guess we need to find that out.

Well, “those feelings” are not going away, I know. But for now, they have to just lay in the background for awhile, because it’s just not time.

But it’s sure time to plan and to make a few preparations and “train” for it. Why not? Sounds good to me. I think that come September or October, we need to have a bit of time set out for a rambling wander. And I know where I want to go. Up the western coast of Michigan. See the colors change, the fall roll in on the waters, ride a ferry, fish, gather rocks, take pictures and just sit and watch the world go by.

And I think every month or two, we need to do that. Pack a bunch of sandwiches and cookies, and minimal gear, cameras and maybe a laptop for check ins and just go. Where ever we want. North, south, east, west. I hope it will help to quench some of those feelings for a while, keep them alive until maybe it is time to act on them completely.

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