Contentment….

All my life, I have been worried about what people thought of me.

I worried about my weight, I worried about my life choices, I worried about how I dressed and what I said. I’ve always tried to be a middle of the road person, never wanting to fight or have any sort of conflict in my life. I’ve let people say some very very untrue and unpleasant things about me, and done nothing but cry alone about it. Even loved ones. I have never wanted to rock the boat or cause anyone to dislike me. It’s been a fairly sad life some days, when I look back and realize that I allowed these people to ruin the life I was making, like acid rain falling on my beautiful marble building. Sure, just rotting away my exterior with little dings and pockmarks, hardly noticeable at first, but when you start to face 50 years of life, you look back and realize the damage they have done.

This last year, we have found peace and contentment that has healed so many of those little acid rain showers, I can not explain the joy and just gosh durn happiness that has come from this past year. When I see my daughters outside in the sunshine, just laying in a field and their kitties purring about them and us laughing and talking and just LIVING in the moment, so blessed and so content at such a simple pleasure, I know this is the way we want to live. We may not have a fancy car that cost twice what our whole farm cost. We don’t need it, we have good old Blue. And yep, guess what… Blue will fail, eventually, and we will get another old car. And that’s fine. We may not dress fancy or do the whole glam thing. And that’s fine. We’re happy and clean up fine when needed. We may not work as wage slaves for some corporation with fancy benefits and such, in exchange for our lives and together time. And guess what? That’s fine.

And you know what? I think that if you desire those things, by golly, you should have them. Just like we should have a little rough farm to rebuild. And live the way we want. I think everyone should be able to know how best to live their OWN life. Afterall, it is YOUR LIFE.

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you will be criticized anyway.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Had a rough night because of my daughters being upset over a conversation that they should have not heard. It was a long car ride home and they actually talked about their feelings as I did as well. It was very cleansing, yet very hard. I could hardly sleep until the early dawn when I finally had this overwhelming sense that my sadness was misplaced. That I had wasted enough time in my very short life worrying over what others thought. Others that really have but a small part in my life and yet I give them way too much time in my biography whilst cutting out the wonderful and supportive characters that should be given so much more screen time. I woke with a renewed sense of selfishness! Yes, selfishness…

That quote just floated to me from a vague Facebook friend. I took it to be a sign, a perfect timing of silly social fluff, but yet, it was just so true. So very true.

From this day forward, I am going to try so very hard to ignore the slings and arrows of those that might not understand, appreciate or just simply allow me to live the life that is best suited for me. And for my daughters. They are both adults at this point. Maggie will be 18 in a near 25 days. And I don’t know about you all, but I think they are most special and beloved children I have. Yep. Just like your children should be. I will encourage and nurture them until I leave this earth. I will support their dreams and I will meddle in their lives in a way that may drive them crazy but in the end, they will weep with my passing and have such an amazing collection of memories of our lives that it will comfort their hearts and fill them with my spirit’s warmth. I will have friends that know I will be behind them at every step I can be. I will have animals that know the gentleness of my touch and the safety of my shelter as they grow old and leave this often cruel and unpleasant world.

If I died tomorrow, I will be happy because of the sunshine on my face this moment and the beautiful green grass in my view. That is all I need to feel contentment. Everything else in this life is fleeting, it’s a moment passed and a moment lost. I’m not positive what exactly awaits us when it’s our time to finish our life’s book. I hope it’s pleasant. I hope it’s even one tenth of the serenity that I feel just sitting in the back of our fields, quietly petting old Jack in the sunshine with the spring breezes tickling my neck and face. Because, that my friends, is what works for me.

And thank God, you get to find your own contentment, whatever it might be. Because this is a beautiful life and wasting it worrying about others is just stealing you of the precious moments that could be so much more wonderful.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

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